Anxious over-achievers are often exceptionally capable and fiercely ambitious individuals, but there is a discrepancy between expectations of themselves (very high), perceptions of themselves (low) and reality. While setting high expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, they are often set too high and often in all parts of life. Anxious over-achievers may have a mental list of mistakes made, how they are failing and are their own worst critic. Insecurity is at the heart of the issue and, albeit unwittingly, can be exacerbated by well-intentioned leaders who praise a ‘perfect’ document ‘excellent’ research or ‘fantastic’ monthly sales figures.
For an exploratory chat about how coaching can help you manage anxiety, see the bigger picture and develop resilience, get in touch today.
Anxious over-achievers are everywhere – in every industry and every sector - and even in these more transparent times, it can be difficult to talk honestly to colleagues about their problems. The myth of the invincible is therefore perpetrated, which encourages their colleagues to feel inadequate in turn.
How do you break the anxious over-achiever cycle?
I spoke to Dr Tim Anstiss, a medical doctor, lecturer in Coaching and Behaviour Change at Henley Business School, trainer and facilitator, and he gives the following top 7 tips:
1 Refresh your goals. People who place high emphasis on material goals and status seem to experience less good wellbeing. Explore strengthening - or even having - some ‘intrinsic’ goals around personal development and growth.
2 Move towards a growth mindset, in which you appreciate that things like intelligence and wisdom are not fixed but can, and do, develop over time.
3 Get some distance between you and your thoughts. Learn to notice and name unhelpful thoughts, and see them as things which come and go, like clouds, passing across the sky. This is, of course, just one aspect of mindfulness, but a skill which will serve you well into the future.
4 Move from self-esteem to self-acceptance. Studies show little relationship between self-esteem and performance, and fragile self-esteem needs maintaining. Learn to rate your behaviour not yourself. Just accept yourself as a fallible human being. For instance, I have failed in many projects. But I don’t go from this fact to then label myself a failure. I am just a person who has, and no doubt will continue to, repeatedly fail, like millions of other people. The behaviour I can work on. Applying a global label to myself adds nothing and makes things worse
5 Change your relationship with your inner critic. The inner critic is the part of you, the voice, which often judges you harshly, condemns, puts down, berates and tries to shame. An internal bully. Many of us would never speak to a friend the way we spread to ourselves! A harsh inner critic is associated with a range of poor wellbeing outcomes. But the inner critic is just one self part. We also have, for instance, a wise, compassionate inner coach - whose voice in our internal committee is often much softer and less heard. Fortunately the emerging science of compassion is providing us with proven techniques to cultivate our compassionate minds, including self-compassion, as well as to tame or soften our critic. And research evidence supports the view that this is often associated with improved performance and quality of life, not reduced. We don’t need such a harsh critic to perform at our best.
6 Notice what went well. Our brains are wired to pay more attention to bad things than good things. Bad things are more likely to kill us. But good things do happen, even if ‘under the radar’ at the time. One way to get better at noticing good things is to look back or your day in the evening and try to identify just 3-4 things, however small, which went well. Perhaps do this with someone else (after a minute or so of silent reflection and recall).
7 Cultivate gratitude. Once a week, sit quietly and write down some of the things you are grateful for. Even if your life is going badly, you will still be able to find a few things. And don’t make this a purely mechanical exercise. Actually take some time to feel the emotion of gratitude. That’s what delivers the benefit, and may help temper any feelings of lack.
For an exploratory chat about how coaching can help you manage anxiety, see the bigger picture and develop resilience, get in touch today.
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